Remember that one time you had a conversation with your friend when you shared your challenges to which you were replied that you’re such a loser, a total idiot that is not capable of anything? Oh, you don’t remember it?
Well, maybe you can’t recall it because it never happened. Because a good friend would never say those harsh things to you. A good friend would show you empathy, support you, see your difficulty, believe you’ve got this, and will back you up. Right?
So, how come when we screw up or fail to do something, most of us are not saying those supportive words to ourselves? How come most of us are playing the inner critic voice in our heads, the one with the dirty talk that likes to put us down and tell us that we’re not good enough, not worthy, completely useless, and so on? Sounds familiar? Well, know that you’re not alone.
In our modern competitive society, negative self-talk has become such a common habit, that most of us are doing it regularly to the point that it has become a self-perpetuating cycle.
If you’re wondering where it’s coming from, it’s related to your brain’s negativity bias. That means that your brain is programmed to look for danger, to pay attention to what’s wrong and not good enough, and that begins to take over your whole mind, resulting in constant dissatisfaction. Evolutionary, this was an advantage and the constant awareness of danger helped humankind survive. Nowadays, not only is it holding you back from unlocking your full potential and achieving your goals, it’s also strongly associated with stress, anxiety, and depression.
So even though you probably got used to this negative self-talk, or you might even think that this voice is your drive for success, keeping you sharp and accountable, this voice is actually sabotaging your success and well-being. The truth is that people are much more motivated when they practice self-compassion and are kind and encouraging toward themselves.
If your mind is sabotaging you with negative judgmental talk and self-hatred, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. YOU ARE CAPABLE OF CHANGING IT. You don’t have to accept it and continue living like this.
According to Dr. Kristin Neff, you can reverse the critical pattern by treating yourself with self-compassion, meaning turning your compassion inward and giving yourself support and encouragement rather than judgment and criticism. Self-compassion includes three components:
Self-Kindness - treat yourself with empathy, encouragement, and support, just like you’d treat a good friend.
Common humanity - You’re not the only one making mistakes and messing up, we’re all imperfect and that’s one of the things that connect us.
Mindfulness - Increase awareness of your emotions and acknowledge your suffering, which is not always easy, especially if you suffer from your own self-criticism.
There are different ways to hack our brain and “break up” with our negative self-talk, but since it’s not a “one size fits all,” I encourage you to give them a try and figure out what’s working for you:
Create distance between yourself and your negative talk by using linguistic distancing tools:
- Name the negative voice- literally, and acknowledge its presence whenever it’s around: “it’s Lucifer talking now, he’s back again.” This will create a distinction between its message (“you’re a failure”) and yourself.
- Talk to yourself like you’d to someone you love. It puts you into an advisory mode and helps you work your problems better. As a result, you’ll be able to get clarity on how to best manage a stressful situation, and you’re actually more likely to follow through with your own advice. Imagine going from: “I’m such a weak loser, I could never get in shape again” to: “I trust you can find ways to stick to your healthy habits, as you did before.”
Challenge this voice – Ask yourself if what it’s saying is really true. “Am I really incapable of finishing my studies just because I failed one test?”
Find your positive inner voice. Oh, yes, I can guarantee you that it’s in there somewhere. Maybe it’s a lower voice compared to the louder critic one, but if you search, you’ll find a voice expressing compassion to you, understanding, and appreciating your efforts. Just to be clear – I’m not suggesting you to tell yourself how wonderful and amazing you are all day long, but I do encourage you to notice your efforts, progress, and accomplishments, alongside the common challenges and failures.
Instead of beating yourself up about a failure, ask yourself: what can I learn from this? What can I do better next time? Use it as a learning opportunity. Growth and resilience are a result of failure/pain + reflection. Without pain there’s no growth.
Breaking down your self-critic habits and converting that inner voice to a warmer, kinder, and more supportive voice is not an easy task. But science shows that with some training, you can turn the critic into a champion voice. Meaning you can still maintain high standards but without beating yourself up.
The many benefits include improved overall well-being (higher life satisfaction and happiness), greater motivation, healthier life choices, and even enhanced interpersonal relationships. Yes, self-love isn’t selfish, it makes you better at loving others and as your relationships get stronger, you flourish.
So what do you say, are you up for some self-TLC?
Further reading recommendations:
“Self-Compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself” by Dr. Kristin Neff
“The Self-Talk Workout: Six Science-Backed Strategies to Dissolve Self-Criticism and Transform the Voice in Your Head” by Rachel Turow
“Chatter: The Voice in Our Head” by Ethan Kross
www.self-compassion.org
Comments